Autumn, 1998, Vol. 5, No. 1

The Development of Self in Children of Lesbian Mothers: Toward a Comprehensive Perspective

Overview

Developmental theorists stress the prominence of chronologically driven, biological factors in the development of the self. Yet, these theorists assign little significance to the impact of societal responses on self-development. The children of lesbian¹ mothers demand a more comprehensive definition of the context in which self develops. An analysis of both maternal and societal factors renders a more thorough understanding of what defines who they are and who they will become. A developmental theory must incorporate a perspective that fully acknowledges the impact of both the primary and social Aholding environments,@ or Athe psychosocial environments which hold us (with which we are fused) and which let go of us (from which we differentiate)@ (Kegan, 1982, p.116).

Review of the Literature

Limited research exists on self-development in children of lesbian mothers who have disclosed their sexuality, at least to their children. However, the related research that does exist implies that children of lesbians, although developmentally equivalent in sexuality issues, gender relationships, and self esteem, encounter unique challenges in the development of the self in comparison to their heterosexual counterparts.

Lewis (1980) examines the effects of societal prejudice against lesbians on children living in eight lesbian-headed households. The information gathered revealed frequent similarities in the children=s experiences. Although all the respondents stated the necessity to accept their mothers as lesbians, their verbal acceptance seemed incongruent with their emotional affect. Lewis (1980) proposes:

Children wish to support their mother, not only out of love for her, but out of

their own self-respect. Not to respect or accept their mother would reflect on

their own self-image. If they devalue her, then they, as her progeny, are also

devalued. In their own hearts, they may have doubts and fears, but to the world,

they must present a facade of acceptance (p. 201).

Furthermore, she indicates that if children of lesbians feel that their mothers are not valued, then this devaluation may reflect on the children=s self worth.

Others analyze some of the differences and similarities in the parenting styles of lesbian mothers and single heterosexual mothers. Overwhelmingly, the majority of research indicates little or no differences between the parenting styles of heterosexual single mothers and lesbian mothers. According to a study by Harris and Turner (1986), the two groups of children are identical in most ways. For instance, they find no differences between the parents concerning "problem solving, in providing recreation for the children, in encouraging autonomy, or dealing with problems associated with child bearing" (Harris and Turner, 1986, p. 103). Harris and Turner (1986) also find that the Apublicly identified lesbians are more similar to than different from single heterosexual mothers@ and that Ano [significant] differences in parenting styles when mother/child pairs of lesbian and single heterosexual mother were compared@(p. 103-104). A study by Kirkpatrick (1987) renders similar conclusions. According to Kirkpatrick, lesbian and heterosexual mothers are Asimilar in pleasure, preoccupation, and troubles@ (p. 206).

Although these studies suggest that lesbian mothers have more similarities than differences with their heterosexual counterparts, children of lesbians may be introduced to different social stimuli than children of heterosexual single mothers. These stimuli may include seeing their mothers with female partners and observing affection between lesbian partners. Some may argue that based on these stimuli, Achildren who observe models that display and directly encounter less stereotypic sex-role behavior may themselves acquire less stereotypic sex-role behavior@ (Hoeffer, 1981, p.537). In comparing toy preference in male and female children of lesbians and heterosexual women, Hoeffer (1981) concludes that the parent's sexual orientation does not affect the child's sex-role behavior as indicated by choice of toy.

Although virtually no studies have been attempted to link sexuality of parents to self-image of children, Kirkpatrick (1987) and Huggins (1989) both affirm the assessment that the children of homosexual and heterosexual women have equivalent levels of self-esteem.

Process of Adjustment

Despite research demonstrating that children living in lesbian-headed households are similar in self-esteem, sex-role development, and sexuality to children raised in heterosexual female-headed households, lesbian mothers often fear that their sexuality will somehow hurt their children. However alike the women are in parenting styles, society does not view them in a similar manner.

Children of lesbians go through unique emotional processes in their experiences as members of lesbian-headed households. Upon disclosure of their mothers= lesbian identity, most children report feelings of anger, loneliness, confusion, isolation from peers (Lewis, 1980; O=Connell, 1993; Van Voorhis & McClain, 1997). These children often convey verbal and cognitive acceptance of their mothers= identities but express conflicting emotions by acting out. Although some children support their mothers, they express hostility toward partners, creating difficulties in mother-partner relationships. Initially, due to incongruent feelings about their mothers and their own emerging identities, parent-child relationships in lesbian-headed households appear strained.

Upon learning of their mothers= sexual identity, children of lesbians often feel that they lack a support system to help process this transition. A socialization process, inundated with heterosexism and homophobia, often leads children of lesbian mothers to limit relationships with friends, and avoid new friendships. Children begin to lead a dual life--one in the heterosexist world, and one at home with their lesbian parent. They conceal their mothers= identity from friends and peers to protect their mothers and themselves from discrimination and prejudice (Lewis, 1980; O=Connell, 1993). Children of lesbians universally describe the secret-keeping process. One respondent in O=Connell=s (1993) study portrays the gradual emergence from the secret-keeping process as a "second coming out.@ AFirst your mother comes out to you, and then you have to come out about your mother" (O=Connell, 1993, p. 289).

Pre-pubescent children may question their sexuality after learning of their mothers= disclosure. The children may express concerns that they may either inherit their mothers= sexuality. Also, children who perceive that their mothers changed their sexual identities may feel they might be compelled to do the same. These fears generally subside after the onset of puberty and dating (Lewis, 1980). In essence, "the sexual orientation of the mother does not dictate the child's sexual orientation" (O'Connell, 1993, p. 295). While a mother=s sexual orientation may impel her children to re-examine and re-evaluate their own sexual identities, this does not predispose her children to form a lesbian sexual identity.

In examining the experience of living in a lesbian-headed household, Van Voorhis & McClain (1997) attempt to identify the process by which children respond to their mother' s disclosure. The interviews indicate common experiences of the children of this group. According to the authors, children of lesbians go through five stages when they learn of their mother's sexual orientation: 1) denial that mother is a lesbian; 2) anger about mother being a lesbian; 3) bargaining to limit mother's lesbian behavior or to continue her heterosexual lifestyle; 4) depression resulting from the loss of both a heterosexual mother and privileges as a member of a heterosexual family; 5) acceptance of mother's lesbian identity and of belonging to a lesbian family (Van Voorhis & McClain, 1997, p.644). Van Voorhis & McClain=s (1997) model suggests that children eventually accept their mothers identity as well as their role within the redefined family unit. Although children often endure a potentially painful time of transition, many later report positive outcomes. As a result of their new family structure, children may note positive changes in their mother and her sense of self (Lewis, 1980). In addition, they may gain a deeper respect for their mothers while developing a greater understanding of prejudice and discrimination (O'Connell, 1993).

Conclusion

The existing research on self-development, which places primary focus on mothers as the holding environments, does not adequately address the experiences of children of lesbian mothers. When a children develop within a holding environment of a socially oppressed minority, those children too experience many of the social constraints that impinge upon the caretakers. While children nurturing holding environments, societal labels placed on lesbian mothers impose dramatic barriers and forestall the development of fully integrated self concepts. The mothers' minority status and its accompanying societal biases can present barriers as the children interact with systems outside of the primary relationship. However, as the research suggests, even in the face of these challenges, children of lesbian mothers often overcome obstacles to development. After a time of transition, children of lesbians are more similar to than different from their heterosexual counterparts, garnering newfound strength and respect as a result of the mother's disclosure.

Notes: